The ancient arts of the deadly ninja are subtle, lethal and effective and yet easily learned in seconds, even by a complete coach potato. Unfortunately, for eons ninja secrets were unavailable to anyone not lucky enough to be kidnapped and raised by a pack of wild ninja. Now for the first time in history, the lessons of the ninja have been distilled into sweet easy to use power. Read on, young grasshopper, and learn the ways of ninja power the easy way!
Instructions
1. Put on the cheesiest Seventies music that you can find. Seven out of 13 ninja masters recommend "Slow Ride" by Foghat. Assume the lotus position and concentrate on thoughts of invisible unstoppable death. Without leaving this position, meditate on the following ninja secrets. Write them on your hand if you have to.
2. Realize that the ninja can strike at any time, without warning. A ninja could be drawing a bead on you right now with a poisoned arrow, and you would never, never know. Only with the true training will you be able to defend yourself. A ninja's entire body is one sensory organism, kind of like an amoeba, which means that they are never surprised or taken off guard.
3. Understand the stealth capabilities of the trained ninja. Ninja are utterly invisible and leave no trace of their presence, except for piles and piles of dead bodies. They can hide anywhere: in a closet, under the bed, in a potted plant, in the toilet. Ninja have been known to disguise themselves as mimes, babies, and department store Santas in order to lull their prey into a false sense of complacency and then SKLITCH, the ninja pulls out their spleen with a pencil.
4. Know the first principle of ninjitsu: Everything is a weapon. Your hands, fingers and toes are all weapons. A sword, a baseball bat, a nutcracker: all weapons. A beginning ninja can commit murder with a child proof bottle of baby aspirin. An experienced ninja can commit murder with a baby's soiled diaper.
5. Understand that all fighting arts--including the all powerful fighting arts of the ninja, which transcend all previous and future forms of personal violence against your fellow man--are really about the release of the fighting spirit that resides within you. The fighting spirit requires no training to be unleashed. You must only step aside and let your inner ninja terrorize the earth.
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